I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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