Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
