i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
