Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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