hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
