Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
