I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
