just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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