why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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