if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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