if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
