hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
