Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
