ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I want to have your abortion
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
