I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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