my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
