Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
