Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
did i walk over a car last night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
