ya dads aren't the best wingmen
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
