I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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