Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
