...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
