he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
