I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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