Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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