$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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