The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
