You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
