I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just invented taco cereal.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
