i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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