I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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