i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
