I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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