My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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