I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
