You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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