I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
