dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
