My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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