is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
