Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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