Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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