I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
