all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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