This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
