i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
