Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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