what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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