She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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