her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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