I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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