I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
