We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
