it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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