Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize