Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
