Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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