What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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